Just to end on a lighter note...

I've lost another 2 pounds!

Gotta push and stay strong to lose the other 6 by next Saturday! Then both of my goals will be a success!
Goodnight. Let's leave this nasty day behind us.

(old old photo... just a personal favorite of mine..)

Woke up on the dark side of the mattress..

Taking a break from the 100,000,000,000 days of blogging. Just kind of want to whine, so feel free to skip this post.

 You know when you have one of those days when you're really just not feelin' it?  That's basically how my week has been. No good. I love winter for the first few weeks. The chilly weather, the getting bundled up, the Holidays.... But after a few weeks, I just get super bummed out and just want sunshine and happiness back. (Not to mention, my tan is gone. Please welcome back the whitest Native you know!)

Not to mention, there's some family in town that just frustrates me and makes me sad. But having said family around also reminds me how incredibly grateful I am for the people in my life and that I need to make sure they know I love them and I never want to take them for granted.

Some false news was shared on Sunday that completely ruined my day. Made it so the "Not-Boyfriend" and I almost had to have the D.T.R. (Determine The Relationship) talk... Which is something I want to avoid. I don't know why. I think I just want to avoid relationships because I spent 3 years giving everything I had to one, and only ended up completely broken in the end. Yes, yes, I know NOW that that relationship was poopy, and that it ending was for the best for both of us. But I also remember, quite vividly, how much it hurt. I know that if this "Not-Relationship" were to become "official" things would be different, simply because of who it involves, and the fact that we will actually be physically together. But the thought of it ending and losing this person terrifies me beyond reason. Yet, people tell me that I need to find out what exactly is going on in case "Not-Boyfriend" finds someone else and I just end up more hurt in the end. And I just don't want to have to deal with it. I just want things to keep going how things are going and having fun. But due to the fact that I AM a girl, I keep over thinking this whole situation and driving myself crazy over it. Therefore, I've decided this week to kind of give it a break. Back off for a little bit. Let's not get too attached and serious Shandi. As that's the only way we'll be able to continue doing this without needing to have the "Talk".

I've kind of lost the Christmas-y thrill I was feeling earlier in the month. I'm quite broke (how I've managed that with TWO jobs and being extra careful to spend money only on bills, I have no idea...) so no one is getting anything from me this year. I have a LITTLE extra money that I'm going to try to at least get my brother something. But that's about it. This REALLY bums me out, as the whole shopping/wrapping presents and getting excited about giving them to people is most of the fun for me! I wish I would have planned this earlier so I could have had time to make everyone something. Maybe if I find the time I can still do that. And homemade gifts are more fun anyways :)

Ugh. I hate being in such a funk. I can't wait for Zumba tonight to get it all out and leave feeling amazing.

I've felt like I could break down in tears all week. It's stupid. I'm such a tough Shando. I don't like feeling like this. Especially when I think about how "Not Boyfriend" said one of his favorite things about me is that I'm always so happy. That's a lot of pressure to put on someone when they just want to throw a pity-party for a minute. Haha. At least when we hang out I'm happy. So that's good.

There was so much more that I've been thinking about today that I was going to write about, but now I can't think about it. That's what I get for thinking about blog topics when I'm driving. I can't write them down so I'll remember for later.

Oh! Woe is me!!!!
(haha)
Good golly. I'm done now.

(don't mind the yucky face in this. It was right after getting laser'd so my skin was still all puffy and traumatized.)

Day 23 - Something you crave a lot.

Ugh... I freakin hate that I love pizza soooo much! I mean... I WORK at Pizza Hut!! Doesn't that mean I should be sick of it by now!? Sometimes I go through days when I'm like "Ewwww... nooooo thank you!" But most days it's more like "Dayuuummm.... I want a pizza!" haha. Although, since starting my diet and having a calorie counting website bookmarked on my phone, I'm doing  A LOT better at refraining from eating pizza. YIKES!

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I ate so much junk food last night with Dustin!

Matt was being a bit of an old man and insisted he needed to go to bed early. There was a bit of a lover's quarrel going on with the other roommates in the house, so we just decided to not hang out with them.. :/ So Big D and I went to Walmart and got a great big Christmas popcorn tin, some Ande's Creme de Menthe cookies, and Mtn Dew. Went back to the apartment and just vegged while watching Full Metal Alchemist.

I told myself as I was driving home that I would so some at home Zumba today, or go over and run on the treadmill to work it off. Buuuuuuut.... I just don't have the energy to! :/ So here I sit, watching TV, drinking some DDP, and bloggin'.  I'm going to the 'rents house tonight, so maybe I'll get the brother to go for a jog with me or something.  :D

Anyhow, I was REEEEAAAALLY pumped to start working on this blanket I've been wanting to make for months now! Woke up ready to get my crochet bag together and head over to the boys to kick it with old man Baby Matthew, AND I CAN'T FIND MY HOOKS ANYWHERE! I've found a few of my small ones, but I want my big ones! Oh... life is tough when your name is Shandi. Ha!



Day 22 - What makes you different from everyone else.

What makes me different from everyone else?


Uh...

I'm in an interracial relationship with myself.
I'm in love with my nose most days. And on the days I'm just not feelin it, I get really sad.
I'm practically in a relationship. But I don't want to be. So we avoid talking about it. But enjoy doing what we do and having what we have. And that makes me happier than worrying about making things official.
I would rather find someone and live happily with them than get married and worry about getting a divorce someday. Divorce is my biggest fear. (But I also want a big rock on my finger, so I'm torn. haha)
Also the reason I don't want to have kids. Even though I love them, and they're fun to be around... Just not for me. (Even though, I would make the most attractive kids on the planet... Ha.)
I want to open a dog shelter. Mostly for big dogs.
I crochet.
I make my own stencils and then make shirts out of them.
I get laser hair removal because my Dad, being a hairy man, made me a bit of a fuzzball myself.

(Heidi, Bonnie, and Jodi.... I'm also considering that part of your tag of 7 juicy secrets! :D)


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In updating blog type news, not much to report. haha

I hung out with alllllllllllll of the Johnson siblings yesterday! They had a death in the family so their older sister came to town for the funeral. Terrible circumstances. But it was awesome getting to hang out with her and get to know her. We went to ABG's in Provo for a show, and I kept telling the boys that I just love her and we're not sending her back to California. She has to stay here.

And then she started asking reeeeaaaaaally awkward personal type questions on the way home after we'd all had a few drinks... With Mama Tyger DD'ing us, brothers sitting in the car, and being asked said questions by big sister.... Matt and I were dying. :/ haha. Before we went to bed, I told him that I love her, but we've got to send her back!



I unfortunately forgot my camera so I didn't get any sweet pictures :( But, if my clothes ever decide to finish drying tonight, I'll hopefully be able to get some tonight. (And hopefully be able to avoid awkward conversation!)

Day 21 - A picture of something that makes you happy.

Lots of things make me happy.. so here we go!
in no particular order...


my pup! He's the best ever.


My Grandma and Grandpa Benson. I love all of my Grandparents, but my Grandma has done so much for me over the last few years to help me get my life back in order. And my Grandpa was the best. I love them both more than I could ever possibly explain. This is probably the last picture that was taken of my Grandpa before he died. I miss him a lot.


My parents. They've put up with a lot from me over the years. I'm so glad we've overcome the tough part and are friends now. I love them.


My brother. He's the shit. My very best buddy.


ZUMBA! This picture is of one of the routines Cecilia does sometimes. It's the "battle"... seriously, the funnest thing ever!


Matthew.


While looking for a good picture to use next I found this one, and his face makes me happy in this one. haha.


KISS! I still get chills whenever I listen to them. If I see anything of them performing live I get all excited inside! I'm sooooo happy/lucky I was able to see them this year! It made my life complete. haha :D

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In other news... still going strong on the no smoking! *takes a bow* Thank you.. Thank you.
Aaaaaaaand, I've lost 2 1/2 pounds! Ohhh yeah! :D Definitely a good start I like to think! I mean, losing weight and quitting smoking don't really go hand in hand (so I've heard..) BUT I'M DOIN' IT!!

I feel good today! I just need my legs to stop being so sore so I can go to Zumba tonight! I need to memorize my 2 favorite new Zumba songs so I can do them for the "Bonnie-Heidi-Shandi private Zumba extravaganza"! haha

Day 20 - Someone you see yourself marrying/being with in the future

I've said for years that I'm going to marry Snoop one day. I don't know what it is about him... his smooth voice, the fact that he's tall and gangly, he's loaded... haha. I could see us together. ohhh yeah.

That, or Paul Stanley.

I've been in love with him since I was a little girl. My dad listened to KISS religiously, so I learned who he was at a very young age. (which is for the best, considering I was named after one of their songs..) I remember being at my Dad's house with my little pink pad of paper and writing love letters to Paul every day and putting them in the mail-box. Mind you, I was very young, so I don't even know if there were actual words on these papers, or just scribbles. But every day I would write him letters that were supposed to say:

"Dear Paul,
I love you so much. I want to marry you.
Love, Shandi."
Needless to say, if that actually is what they said rather than just scribbles, I hope the mailman was happy every day when he opened the mailbox to find them.
...And I hope his name wasn't Paul.
But seriously, after seeing them this fall... I'm convinced that we need to be together. He may be old. And ugly as fuh under the make-up (which he'll just have to leave on once our relationship develops) But, I'm in love. And I want to have his children.


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Ugh.. but really, I'm still not sure I even WANT to get married. haha. If it were up to pretty much everyone else in my life right now it would be this guy:

Not that there would really be any sort of issue with that... other than the fact that it'd be WEIRD!
ha.
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In other news.. Day 4 of no smoking is turning out to be a great success! Which is wonderful for me because I was on the verge of quitting quitting.
Quick breakdown of how it's been:
Day 1- No biggie during the day, started freaking out in the evening. Hookah'd to hold myself over. Didn't get much sleep because it felt like my chest was being crushed. It felt like I couldn't breathe. Lots of tossing and turning.
Day 2- Again, not too bad during the day. Although I kept feeling like I might have a panic attack throughout the day, lots of deep breathing and avoiding conversation. That night was even worse than the first night. I was able to fall right to sleep given the fact that I'd hardly slept the night before, but woke up numerous times feeling like I was dying. After the fourth time of waking up that way, I just laid there for a bit and tried to calm down before I attempted sleep again, and started crying. Not big time bawl my eyes out, just a few minutes of tears and a sniffle. Matt heard me snifflin' and rolled over and saw me crying, so he snuggled up and kissed me on the head and kept telling me it was okay until I went back to sleep. (awwwwh.. haha)
Day 3-s Spent most of it catching up on sleep. Went to work at the call center, and even stood outside with Hailey on our break. Had a moment of weakness and asked for just a drag, but then took a step back and said NO. But being around it was strangely calming, even though I didn't have any. A bit of anxiety last night when getting ready for bed. But slept like a baby.
Day 4- Woke up with a ton of energy! Went to work, but due to some confusion amongst upper management, was sent home after about an hour. Which was okay with me. I went grocery shopping for some healthy food. Came home and discovered that quitting smoking may have turned me into a bit of a crackhead. I had already planned on cleaning the bathroom when I got home today, but ended up completely cleaning out the fridge (wiping everything down while I was at it) as I put the groceries away. I had bought some Drano for our shower drain, put that in first so it could sit the allotted time while I cleaned the rest of the bathroom. Ended up cleaning out the bathroom drawers (wiping THOSE out also) and under the sink. Wiped down the baseboards. Spent about an hour just cleaning the shower. (We have a stand-up shower, and it drives me nuts how it just never seems to be clean even after I clean the bathroom) And it's now so clean it would make even my mother proud! Scrubbed the toilet. Swept and mopped the bathroom and kitchen floors. AND vacuumed the rest of the house.
..now I just need to find the motivation to tackle my room. HA! I don't know what it is, but I can be totally pumped about cleaning, and then I look at my room and I'm like "eff that... not today."


Also, I freakin' love Diet Dr. Pepper.

I used to drink it every morning during my class in the summer... and then decided to knock it right off. I rarely drink soda, so I was annoyed with myself for starting up an everyday sort of thing. However, given I'm getting rid of one terribly nasty habit, what's the harm in allowing a little guilty pleasure for a bit. I bought a few while grocery shopping, and I'm in Heaven. :)

I think I'm done now. Hope everyone is having a great week so far! And thank you so much for your support! It really means a lot!

Day 19 - Nicknames you have; why do you have them?

I have a lot of nicknames... here we go.

Shando- My friends Erik and Madison started calling me this. So everyone in that little group started calling me Shando. And then all of the sudden... EVERYONE started calling me Shando. haha. awesome!

Shandi Pants- This one I got a long time ago. Also one of the many very catchy nicknames I've gotten over the years. Pretty sure at one point in my life EVERYONE called me Shandi Pants. I even had a name tag at work that said as such. :D

Shandihontas- We've already been over this one. Not doing it again. Sucka.

Missy- really, only my Mom calls me this. haha

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I'm done doing that now. haha I'm getting too distracted catching up on all the Glee I haven't been able to watch.

Today is Day 2 of no smoking. And holy crap. It's going alright I suppose. Yesterday lasted forever. Didn't get much sleep. Today I just kind of don't want to do anything other than sleep. Yet... I haven't been doing that. Just been watching Glee and reading blogs.